Sunday, June 29, 2008

My Cousin Got Married

So yesterday my favorite aunt's daughter got married. It was a very interesting wedding and had me sending text messages to people.

I first must talk about the pure fuckery that occurred (yes it was that bad so I had to use that word--you know I don't use that word)! The wedding was outside in my aunt and uncle's backyard and it was at least 90 degrees. One of my cousins decided that he would get drunk before the wedding. The wedding was at 4:00 in the afternoon. One of my other cousins had seen him before the wedding and he was sober so needless to say your boy had a whole lot of alcohol in a very short time. So he was loud and annoying. When the wedding started he was standing in the aisle where the bridal party was walking. One of my uncle's went to get him and pull him to the side. So that was fine--he was quiet for a little while then he started speaking to people. Now remember I said it was hot--well I was using my program to fan myself. He decided that I needed to fan him too. Well I just gave him the program and kept it moving. Well he fanned himself and gave the program back to me. So then he grabs me around my arms and takes the program back and starts fanning me. So his hand moves down my back. This negro is holding me like I am his woman. I try to move away without causing a scene but everytime I moved he moved with me. At some point he kissed my chest. Can you say I felt violated? I couldn't move because I didn't want to ruin my cousin's day b/c he was really loud. He was talking to people as they walked down the aisle. He even shouted out the bride's father when he gave her away. Needless to say I avoided him the rest of the day and I told my bodyguard cousin to ensure he stayed away from me.

Ok so back to the actual wedding. The wedding was nice considering that they planned it in 6 weeks. So I get there before the wedding started but there weren't enough seats. That is why people need to tell people to RSVP to weddings. You need to ensure that you have enough seats for the people at the wedding. About 1/3 of the guests were standing. And how you know that you are at a wedding with n*gg*s--there was a pregnant woman standing (she was 6 months--talked to her at the reception).

So the parents are seated and nothing happens. There is a praise dancer who is supposed to perform and she gets ready to dance down the aisle and my aunt gets up and walks back down and tells the praise dancer it is not time for her to perform. She then walks up to the reverend and talks to him for about 5 minutes. Once she gets finished talking to him the hostesses walk up to the tent and she tells them to go back where they came from. So the praise dancer finally gets her chance to dance. Hot mess--she had to be about 14 or 15 and she was dancing like she was confused. She pulled out those 5 year old dance moves. One of the singers is talking about, "Praise him, Halleluah and blah blah blah!" I am trying to figure out why b/c the girl couldn't dance and who really knows what song she was dancing to b/c it was the instrumental. I also figured out I wasn't the only person who thought she looked a hot mess because when she got finished there was delayed clapping and it wasn't loud at all.

The reverend then takes his precious time walking to the tent. The hostesses come back up to pull the aisle runner down the aisle. The flower girl walks up to the aisle and starts throwing her "flowers" that just happened to be confetti. The bride appears looking very beautiful. She and her father walk down the aisle. The reverend does his thing and they exchange vows and rings. The reverend pronounces them husband and wife and tells him he can salute his bride. They look at him like were you not at the wedding rehearsal and he steps back. He eventually realizes they have not lit the unity candle and they have not had the singing of "The Lord's Prayer" and they also haven't done their individual tributes to one another. They do all that and then they can kiss. He tries to have church before they allow them to kiss. They walk back down the aisle. Drunk cousin is hollering at the people walking down the aisle.

So while the bridal party is taking pictures everyone is standing around talking and I see the bride's uncle and cousin are dressed in the colors of the wedding. Yeah I forgot to tell you about the colors. Royal blue and white--imagine you are in Detroit and you see a pimp walking around in a blue suit--yeah that color blue. So the uncle and cousin have on pants suits. The pants are blue and the shirt is blue and white--big blocks of blue and white. I am ready to go but my cousin has my key and is nowhere to be found. We eventually leave the wedding to go to the reception.

We get to the reception and there are no seats for about 1/3 of the guests. Also during the wedding there was a thunderstorm at the reception site and the electricity went off. It was hot and there was no air. It was so bad that the ice melted. So I go find my "step-mother" (that is what people call her so I guess I will too) and tell her there is nowhere to sit. She decides to go to McDonald's to get some food for her grandson. I drive. When we get back the line for the food is to the door. They added an extra table but by the time I get back it is full. So I stand around frustrated and hot. I eventually get something to drink. I stand in line to get some food and once I get up to the table there are no plates. We have to wait for plates. There are people serving the food and they are literally rationing food off. After all that trouble I soon find out it is only hors d'oeurves. They gave out 3 meatballs, one small sandwich, two chicken wings and two serving spoons full of pasta salad.

Needless to say I was entertained. Violated but entertained!

1 comment:

Esquire08 said... are so funny....I was just think on an old pimp in blue......that is TOO funny!!!!!!